#7 - Being in a Relationship
For this last tool, I’m going to forgo the previous structure and just speak from the heart:
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Last night, I had a beautiful, deep conversation with my partner. We revisited a recent conflict, both of us showing up with vulnerability, taking ownership of our parts, and truly listening to each other. That emotional connection naturally led to physical intimacy, deepening our bond even further.
But then, something unexpected happened.
Afterward, I brought up a topic we had discussed before, hoping for an apology. Instead, he said, “I hear you. I understand why you feel that way. You can believe that.”
It sounded respectful. It sounded understanding. But it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted “I’m sorry.” And the moment I didn’t get it, my inner child took over. Logic disappeared. The old wounds—abandonment, invalidation, the deep fear of not being heard—came rushing in, running my mind on autopilot.
And then, my partner did something remarkable.
At 1 AM, after an already deep and intimate connection, he didn’t shut down. He didn’t dismiss me with a “let’s talk tomorrow.” Instead, he looked at me and said:
“I have capacity. You can share whatever you’re holding.”
Let’s be real—how many men would do that in that moment? Most would turn over and go to sleep. But he knows my inner child. He understands my wounds. And yet, he doesn’t just give me what I want to keep the peace. He holds space, listens deeply, but also sets boundaries when needed.
And that makes my inner child question everything.
Is this real? Is it truly possible to be loved this way?
For most of my life, I’ve been the one holding space for others. But in my relationship, my inner child is very active. I didn’t grow up feeling validated. I never felt like I could depend on anyone in my family. And as a child, I needed that sense of safety—someone to count on, especially in difficult moments.
When we don’t learn healthy dependency, we develop pseudo-independence. That was me. I prided myself on not needing anyone. I tried so hard to carry everything on my own, especially in relationships. But secretly, I built resentment. I longed for connection, yet I rejected the very thing I needed.
And when I look back at my journey—the healing, the inner child work, the surrendering—I realize something: this moment was exactly what I had been preparing for all along.
For years, I searched for healing through spirituality, meditation, and deep inner work. I spent an entire year practicing Ho’oponopono, journaling with my inner child, uncovering deep-seated anger and sadness. I worked through the victim mindset I had carried for so long—the belief that life happened to me instead of me creating my own experience.
But doing the work in solitude is one thing. Applying it in a relationship? That’s the real test.
This relationship is showing me where I still have wounds. It’s revealing the places in me that are still tender, still afraid, still holding onto past pain. And for the first time, I have someone who isn’t running away, fixing, or abandoning me. He’s holding space while I do the work myself.
I used to think healing meant reaching a place where I no longer got triggered. But now, I see it differently. Healing is being triggered and knowing how to meet myself there with love.
And for the first time in my life, I truly believe…
A healthy relationship is possible.
Not because I found someone who "fixed" me.
But because I have done the work to hold space for myself.
And that has made all the difference.
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❤️ Alright… let’s finish it up with a quick summary and some reflections to tie this all together.